The Talk
by jellyelly22
Summary: After Jiraiya's death, Kurenai come to visit and have a talk with Tsunade. ONE-SHOT! Rated T just to be safe.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the characters. If I did Jiraiya would never have died and he would be together with Tsunade.**

**A/N: This came to me years ago and I finally finished it. I hope you enjoy it. Sorry if there are any mistakes I checked it over but no one is perfect. **

It has been a difficult last few days. I thought I could always trust him to be there. I thought he was a safe person for me to love. But just like the rest of them, he was taken away from me. The only difference is he never knew that I had the same feelings for him that he had for me. I never took the chance to experience what it would be like to actually be with him. All I ever did was be mean and cruel to him. I only ever called him a pervert or an idiot, when deep down, I cared for him. He also wasn't stupid and he had the kindest heart. He cared about this village and the people in it more than anything. And not just the Leaf, he cared about every child he ran into. He cared enough to stay behind in the Hidden Rain to take care of those 3 orphans.

He wasn't a pervert all the time. There were many times where he was the sweetest guy I knew. He was there when I lost Nawaki. Even though he didn't like Dan, he was still there when I needed him. He was my best friend…and now he is gone.

I've tried to focus on my work, but his face just keeps popping up. I've tried drinking but every memory I've had with drinking involves him. All the way back to our youth, up until the day he left. There was a time we were apart, but I can't remember much about those days. Every time I went out, I only remember going out and then waking up in my bed.

I don't want to talk to anyone and the knock on the door means someone is here. Having to talk to people has been stressful. I just want to be left alone. It's the reason I dismissed Shizune and Sakura.

"Enter!" The door slowly opens.

Kurenai enters and speaks with a soft voice, as if she is nervous to approach. "Lady Tsunade?" It's not often that I see her. Last time I spoke with her it was to check up on the baby.

"How can I help you, Kurenai? Is there something wrong with the baby?" I ask calmly.

"No, no nothing is wrong, the baby is just fine. I'm here to ask if I could have a word with you," her voice is a little less soft, and she walks deeper into my office.

I set down my brush and lean back in my chair. "Of course, but about what?"

"Lady Tsunade, I have been hearing that you have not been yourself lately. Plus, I have seen your chair thrown out the window several times in the last few days." I am not ready to have this conversation. I can't… a least, not right now.

"What's your point?" I snap. I don't mean to snap at her but if it's the only way for me to be alone, then so be it.

"Lady Tsunade, I know what you're going through. Do you remember, after Asuma's death? You came and talked with me. You told me how I could get through his death. You used your own personal experience from your past to help me realize how I could get past the pain. You also told me that since I have this baby, I still have a part of Asuma with me. Then you told me that he will always be in my heart because I truly loved Asuma." Her voice crakes as she says Asuma's name.

Images of our talk from months ago flash through my mind. "Yes, I remember. But I can assure you, I don't need help. I'm perfectly fine. I've just gotten little sleep and I have a lot of work to do. So, talking about-"

"I know. I know how you felt about Master Jiraiya." Just hearing his name hurts. I close my eyes and turn away from her to keep my tears at bay. I have shed too many already.

She continues softly. "You loved him. You tried to hide it, and you hid it well. But as a woman who has been in love, and who has lost her loved one, I know the signs."

"Kurenai, as you know I have loved before and I have lost loved ones as well. So, I know how to handle it. The only problem is…none of them have hurt this bad. I shouldn't be this affected by his death. We were never involved with each other. He was my teammate and best friend, never anything more.

He was always there when I needed him. Even when I didn't want him or anyone around me, he was still there. He loved me. All he ever wanted was a date. Just one date, one chance, but I was too cold hearted to give it to him. He never knew how much I cared about him."

I take a shaky breath and continue. "He was the one person I thought would be safe to love. He was a Sannin, one of the strongest shinobi out there. I guess I just figured I had all the time in the world to give him a chance. I never thought he'd be taken out like this."

Not being able to hold back my tears any longer, I just let them pour down my face and onto my hands. "If I hadn't allowed him to go than maybe-"

"Please, My Lady, do not blame yourself. Master Jiraiya was stubborn. You said it yourself; he was a Sannin, and a shinobi of the Leaf. Therefore, he felt it was his duty to protect the Leaf and its people in every way possible.

I didn't know him as well as you did, but I knew that he was a stubborn man, and that he cared deeply for this village," she interrupts, taking a few steps closer.

"If I told him no and gave him a direct order not to leave, then maybe he would still be here.

The point is I could have tried harder to stop him. Instead I sat on that damn bench and watched him walk away to his death. I didn't chase after him, I didn't run and tell him how I felt. I sat there and cried because I knew he wasn't coming back. It was my last chance and I…" I look down and shake my head sobbing heavily. Visions of his smiling face run through my head. The images change to what we could have been if I had given him a chance.

Shaking my head faster trying to shake away the images, I continue spilling my guts to the pregnant kunonichi. "I did nothing, I should have done something, but I did nothing. And now he is gone, and I can never get him back. I don't even know what condition his body was in. All I know is that he had his throat crushed. If I were there or if his body had been brought back, then maybe I could've done something. Maybe I could've healed him to make him still be alive.

But there is no body. It was never retrieved. I at least had the closure of burying Nawaki and Dan. I'm not even going to be able to bury him." There's no stopping the tears now, they just continue to pour down my face.

She places her hand on my back in a comforting motion. "Lady Tsunade, we can still hold a service for Master Jiraiya." She feels me flinch at the sound of his name. I know she understands from the sigh she releases.

"It's possible, even if we don't have Master… his body." I am thankful that she doesn't say his name again.

I clean my face up a little and turn to smile at her. She smiles back.

"There have been multiple funerals without a body. He deserves to have one. He is a hero to this village. And that way you can visit him anytime you want to. I visit Asuma's grave every day. I talk to him like he's actually there. I tell him how the baby's doing. He never answers, but I know what he would say to everything I talk to him about. So, basically I have the conversation with him in my head. It does help, but it also reminds me that he truly is dead and that I have to accept it."

Her words sting. Every sentence she says makes my heart ache just a little bit more. I know that I will have to accept that he is gone, but right now it's just too painful. I don't even want to go to the funeral. I know it will only end up with me looking weak in front of the entire village. I would rather just go to a secret spot and remember him there. We had a ton of spots that only the two of us knew about. Like the one out by the river side, or out in the pavilion.

"Kurenai, please, just don't. Not right now. I understand what you are trying to do, but you of all people know how hard it is to deal with something like this, especially when it's so recent, so please, just leave. I would like to be alone."

"I understand, My Lady, I'm sorry. I should have known not to talk about it this early." She goes to leave but before she does she looks back over her shoulder.

"I truly am sorry, Lady Tsunade, but please, just think about holding a service. I think it would be better if you have one." Those are her final words before she closes my office door.

I take her words to heart, but at the moment I can't imagine holding a service for him. That would mean that he truly is gone forever, just like the others.

I lean forward placing my elbows on my desk and resting my forehead on my palms. The tears return and I don't even try to wipe them away. I just let them fall onto my desk, creating a small puddle on the surface.

"Damn you, Jiraiya. Why did you have to go and die on me? Why couldn't you come back?" I stretch my finger up and grip my hair tightly. "You promised you wouldn't leave me. But what the hell do you do, you go off and die. Why couldn't you come back? Why did you even leave in the first place? You knew it was suicide mission and still you insisted on going. I don't understand, damn it."

I open the bottom draw on my desk and pull out my last bottle of sake…this was our drink. We used to spend so many nights drinking this stuff together.

"Well, Jiraiya, the last bottle goes to you." I pull out the cork top and take a sip. As the warm liquid slides down my throat, images of Jiraiya flash through my mind. I take sip after sip, hoping that the images will fade.

They never do…not even when I pass out on my desk.

I knew that if he ever had died, it would be hard to deal with. But what I didn't know was that he was going to be the hardest of them all.

**A/N: I know it was sad. Sorry for that but I just kept picture a scene like this happening so I decided to write it out. Please review. It would make me very happy and make me want to write more stories. **


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